Boomers’ mouths finally shut
MIAMI, FL – In what experts are calling a “miracle of modern medicine,” a revolutionary new surgery has been developed that allows baby boomers to drive their cars with their mouths fully closed, potentially transforming highways and parking lots across America forever.
The groundbreaking procedure, known as “Submandibular Mouth Reduction” (SMR), was created by a team of researchers who noticed a common phenomenon among older drivers: the uncontrollable need to leave their mouths agape while behind the wheel, as if every turn or stop sign required a fresh gulp of air or a silent monologue to the gods of traffic.
“After years of study, we determined that there was a direct correlation between age and the inability to drive with one’s mouth shut,” explained Dr. Linda Everston, lead researcher and inventor of the SMR technique. “Our team hypothesized that boomers have developed a unique, involuntary reflex where their mouths automatically open to release decades of pent-up sighs, unsolicited advice, and ‘back in my day’ anecdotes. We’re confident this surgery will close the gap—literally.”
The procedure, which takes approximately 45 minutes and involves a few minor stitches around the jawline, has already been piloted on a small group of volunteers. Early results are promising. Participants have reported a remarkable reduction in highway-related gape syndrome and have been seen cruising along without their mouths forming a permanent “O” of bewilderment. A pleasant side effect is a 92% reduction in steaming hot, old man death breath caused by the halitosis breeding grounds that exist in a gaping maw of a boomer.
“I feel like a new person,” said Harold Blenkins, 68, a retired insurance adjuster from Peoria and one of the first to undergo the surgery. “I used to drive with my mouth open wide enough to catch all the bugs in the Midwest. Now, I feel more confident, less winded, and I think my wife is actually listening to me when I’m not shouting out the window.”
The implications of this new surgery are profound. For years, psychologists have struggled to explain why boomers felt the need to drive with their mouths in a perpetual state of surprise, often accompanied by a vague hand gesture toward any vehicle within a 50-yard radius.
“It’s been a challenge,” said Dr. Carla O’Hare, a gerontologist who has long studied the Boomer Open-Mouth Phenomenon (BOMP). “We always assumed it was some sort of primal reaction to driving in a world filled with cars that don’t require manual window cranks. Now we know it’s something that can actually be treated. Think of the possibilities: fewer boomers shouting at stop signs, fewer people wondering if they’re gasping for air, and hopefully, a quieter commute for all of us.”
Critics, however, are skeptical. The National Association of Boomer Pride (NABP) has already issued a statement condemning the surgery, calling it “a radical attempt to silence a generation that fought for unchecked inflation, unaffordable housing, and Margaritaville.”
Local man, Doug Douchington weighed in by saying “most adults would just shut their fucking mouths once in a while, but we all know boomers are incapable of that”.
“We won’t be silenced!” declared NABP president Gloria Jenkins, 72, who insists on driving a 1993 Buick LeSabre with the windows down at all times. “Our mouths are open because we have something to say! Usually about the decline of society or how bread used to cost a nickel.”
Despite the backlash, the surgery is gaining traction among some boomers tired of constantly being mistaken for looking lost or bewildered while driving. “I was at a red light, and a kid yelled at me to ‘snap out of it,’” confessed Alice Thompson, 74, who is considering booking an appointment. “I was just trying to remember the name of that song by The Beatles, but I guess I looked like I was on the brink of an existential crisis.”
There are also reports of car insurance companies looking to offer discounts to boomers who undergo the procedure, betting that fewer open mouths will lead to fewer instances of distracted driving caused by pointing, exclaiming, or muttering about the state of other drivers’ lane discipline.
For now, Dr. Everston and her team are focusing on perfecting the surgery, with hopes of expanding it to include other critical driving improvements, like the ability to stop hovering a foot over the gas pedal “just in case,” or navigating roundabouts without stopping completely to consult a map.
“It’s just the beginning,” Dr. Everston said with a smile. “We’re hopeful that this breakthrough will pave the way for more peaceful, less windy journeys—and maybe, just maybe, fewer unsolicited comments on the state of everything from car models to road maintenance.”
In the meantime, the rest of the world holds its breath, eagerly waiting to see if the silent highways of the future will be filled with fewer open-mouthed boomers—or if the surgery will just result in more closed-mouth grumbling about how nobody knows how to drive anymore.
Boomers’ mouths finally shut Boomers’ mouths finally shut
