Teenage night-vision chicken hero
LOUISVILLE, KY—In a shocking revelation that has left the fast-food industry reeling, a local KFC employee has come forward with claims that his uncanny ability to spot undercooked chicken from across the room isn’t just the result of years of frying experience. According to 19-year-old Kyle Bandley, his night-vision prowess was honed not in the greasy kitchens of Kentucky Fried Chicken, but in the covert training camps of the United States military.
“I always knew I had a gift,” Kyle said, while deftly navigating the dimly lit walk-in freezer without missing a step. “But I didn’t realize how unique it was until I started working here. The other guys have to flick on the light to find the chicken thighs at the back, but I just zero in, no problem. It’s like a superpower.”
Kyle’s manager, who spoke on condition of anonymity for fear of government retribution, confirmed the teen’s extraordinary abilities. “We’d have the lights go out during a power surge, and while everyone else was fumbling around, Kyle was still back there, pulling out perfectly cooked batches of Extra Crispy like nothing happened. It was eerie—like he could see through the dark and the grease haze.”
Rumors about Kyle’s past began swirling when coworkers noticed his reluctance to engage in typical teenage activities, like complaining about the job or posting TikToks during shifts. Instead, he spent his breaks quietly dripping eye drops into his highly trained eyes, keeping them in top condition should a military situation at KFC arise.
As it turns out, Kyle was indeed recruited by the U.S. military during his senior year in high school to be part of a shadowy government program designed to harness the talents of America’s youth for nocturnal operations. “They saw my potential when I was just a kid,” Kyle explained. “The recruiters said I had a natural aptitude for darkness. They put me through rigorous training—hours of staring into the void, identifying objects in pitch black. By the time I was 19, I could see better at midnight than most people can at noon.”
Despite his covert training, Kyle chose to apply his skills in the civilian sector, specifically in the fast-food industry, where night shifts and low lighting conditions are a constant challenge. “People don’t realize how important it is to have someone like me working the late-night drive-thru,” Kyle said, his eyes narrowing with the focus of a trained operative. “I can spot a customer trying to sneak in a free extra sauce from a mile away.”
The Pentagon has neither confirmed nor denied the existence of a program training teenagers in night-vision combat skills for fast-food applications, but insiders suggest that Kyle’s assignment to KFC was no coincidence. “It’s part of a broader strategy,” said one source with knowledge of the operation. “The military is preparing for a future where wars are fought not just on battlefields, but in the trenches of the food service industry. Think about it—if you can successfully manage the chaos of a Saturday night rush at KFC, you can handle anything.”
Kyle’s coworkers, meanwhile, remain in awe of his abilities. “One time, the power went out for like 20 minutes,” said fellow employee Jenna Thompson. “We were all panicking, thinking the chicken would burn or customers would get mad. But Kyle just tapped in to his night vision powers, and it was like nothing even happened. He’s the real deal.”
As for Kyle, he’s content with his dual life as a KFC employee by day and night-vision expert by, well, night. “Some people say I’m wasting my talents here, but honestly, where else could I put them to better use? The world needs hot wings as much as it needs heroes,” Kyle said, with the kind of solemnity usually reserved for veteran soldiers recounting their time in the trenches. “When you’re in the thick of it, with a line of cars wrapped around the building and only a faint glow from the heat lamps to guide you, that’s when true bravery shows.”
As Kyle gears up for another night shift, armed with nothing but his almost inhuman eyes and an unshakable commitment to crispy perfection, he remains steadfast in his mission. “I didn’t choose the chicken life,” Kyle said, staring resolutely into the middle distance, “the chicken life chose me. And as long as there are hungry people out there, I’ll be here, in the dark, making sure every bucket is filled and every drumstick is just right.”
So the next time you find yourself in the drive-thru at 2 AM, greeted by the glow of the fryer and the faint outline of a teenager with an almost supernatural sense of awareness, remember: he’s not just a fast-food worker—he’s a soldier in the ongoing battle for perfectly cooked chicken.
Teenage night-vision chicken hero
