SPANISH FORK, UT – Ah, the county fair—a place where the scent of funnel cakes mingles with the unmistakable aroma of livestock, and where local artisans proudly display their most questionable creations. Step right up, folks, and feast your eyes on a collection of handcrafted “treasures” that will leave you scratching your head and wondering, “Did someone really spend hours making this?”
First up, we have the Bedazzled Pinecone Collection. Yes, you read that correctly. Somewhere, a person thought it was a good idea to take perfectly innocent pinecones and slather them with enough glitter to blind a toddler. They’re hot-glued to everything from wreaths to keychains, because apparently, nothing says “I have too much time on my hands” like turning nature into a sparkly monstrosity.
And let’s not forget the “Upcycled” Toilet Paper Roll Art. I say “art” in the loosest possible sense. Here, you’ll find toilet paper rolls that have been cut, painted, and arranged into floral shapes that are supposed to adorn your walls. Honestly, nothing says “classy home decor” like telling your guests, “Oh yes, those flowers on the wall? They’re made from something that once held Charmin.”
Now, as we wander through this labyrinth of questionable craftsmanship, allow me to introduce you to Martha Quiltenheimer-Glitzendale. Martha is a sweet, well-meaning housewife who has dedicated every waking hour for the past six months to creating her masterpiece—a quilt made entirely of old jeans. That’s right, a denim quilt. Because when you think of cozy, you obviously think of stiff, worn-out denim.
Martha has sunk thousands of dollars into this project, hunting down every possible shade of blue jeans at thrift stores, meticulously cutting and sewing each patch together. The result? A heavy, awkward blanket that no one in their right mind would want to use, unless of course, they have a deep-seated love for chafing. And for all her efforts, Martha proudly received…a piece of cloth ribbon.
“Well, it’s better than last year’s participation certificate,” she says with a forced smile, clutching her ribbon like it’s the Nobel Prize. “At least the judges noticed my work this time.”
Oh, Martha. The sad truth is that the judges probably noticed your work because they couldn’t lift it off the table without straining a muscle. But hey, who am I to judge? After all, isn’t that what the fair is all about—pouring your heart and soul into something no one actually wants, and then pretending that a ribbon makes it all worthwhile?
As I leave the craft stalls, one thing is clear: the fair is less a showcase of talent and more a testament to the human spirit—particularly the spirit of trying, failing, and then trying again next year with something equally as absurd. So here’s to you, Martha, and to all the other dreamers who keep the fair’s craft section endlessly entertaining.
Crafts of Craps – Crafty Delusions at the County Fair Crafts of Craps – Crafty Delusions at the County Fair
