Lehi, UT – Local pizza delivery driver, Gary ‘The Flash’ Ferguson, has had enough. The once-beloved purveyor of cheesy goodness has reached his breaking point after years of fielding increasingly bizarre and inappropriate propositions from the city’s housewives.
“I’m just trying to make a living, man,” Ferguson vented during a recent interview. “Delivering pizzas is supposed to be a simple job. You get an order, you make the pizza, you deliver it, you get paid, and you go home. But no, apparently that’s not good enough for some people around here.”
Ferguson detailed a litany of unwanted advances he’s endured, ranging from the downright creepy to the downright absurd. “You would think that some of these housewives would have a Benjamin or two kicking around, but when I show up, they all have the same story”. “I’m sure we can work out a deal” or I’m hot and ready, just like it says on your pizza box”. Like, really? Do you think I’m some kind of degenerate pizza-loving Casanova?”
Perhaps most frustrating for Ferguson are the women who seem to believe that their desperate pleas for companionship are somehow justified by their lack of funds. “It’s like they think I’m running some kind of charity service or something,” he explained. “‘Oh, I’m so lonely and broke, so you better pity-bone me.’ No, ma’am, that’s not how this works.”
Ferguson has taken to wearing a bright yellow vest emblazoned with the words “NO SEX” in large, bold letters. So far, it seems to be working. “I’ve had a few confused looks and one guy tried to offer me more money to take it off,” he said. “But for the most part, people are finally getting the message.”
As for the future, Ferguson is considering a career change. “Maybe I’ll start a dog-walking business or something,” he mused. “At least dogs can’t offer you money for sex.”
Delivering pizza not fantasies lady! Delivering pizza not fantasies lady!
