HELL – In an unprecedented move that has sent shockwaves through the underworld, Satan has announced plans to significantly expand the gates of Hell. The Prince of Darkness, citing an impending demographic boom, believes that the infrastructure of the underworld is ill-prepared to accommodate the massive influx of Baby Boomers expected to arrive in the coming decade.
“Let’s face it, we’ve been understaffed for centuries,” Satan confessed in a rare press conference. “But with the Baby Boomers on the horizon, we’re looking at a complete overhaul of our operations. We need to be ready.”
The expansion project, dubbed “Operation Pitchfork,” involves the construction of multiple new entryways, as well as a vast network of underground highways and parking garages. Additionally, Satan has ordered a massive increase in the production of both fire and brimstone, essential commodities for the operation of a world-class infernal realm.
“We’re talking about a generation of people who are the most self-centered, cantankerous bastards the world has ever seen” Satan explained. “We’re going to need a significant boost in infrastructure to keep these pricks contained.”
While some have criticized the project as a waste of resources, Satan remains undeterred. “Look, I get it. Running a place like this isn’t cheap. But the alternative is endless lines of boomers waiting to get in, bitching the entire time, and trust me, nobody wants that.” Satan is expected to receive a windfall from the Biden Administration under the Build Back Better act to help fund the expansion.
Satan is confident that the work can be accomplished rapidly, as Hell has no shortage of contractors.
As construction begins on the new gates, speculation is rife about what kind of amenities will be offered to the incoming Baby Boomers. Some experts predict that Hell will see a surge in popularity as a retirement destination, complete with golf courses, shuffleboard courts, and even a Cracker Barrel restaurant featuring lukewarm meatloaf.
Satan Prepares for Boomer Invasion Satan Prepares for Boomer Invasion
