KENNEBUNKPORT, ME – In a shocking turn of events that has sent ripples of outrage through the nation, a suburban couple has been indicted on the unprecedented charge of child endangerment for the heinous crime of gifting their teenage son a car without heated seats. Prosecutors allege that the defendants, John and Jane Doe, intentionally subjected their child to the unimaginable torture of cold buttocks during the cold Maine winter months.
The indictment, which has been met with widespread support from the local community and a growing coalition of concerned citizens, outlines a disturbing pattern of neglect. According to court documents, the defendants not only failed to equip the vehicle with a basic comfort feature, but also refused to provide their son with adequate winter clothing, such as fleece-lined sweatpants or a heated car seat cover.
“This is a clear case of parental apathy,” stated District Attorney Mildred Harsh, her voice trembling with indignation. “Every child deserves the right to a warm bottom, regardless of their socioeconomic status. The fact that these defendants chose to prioritize their own financial well-being over the physical comfort of their son is a crime against humanity.”
The trial is expected to be a media circus, with experts on child psychology, meteorology, and automotive engineering taking the stand to testify on the devastating effects of cold car seats. The defense, however, maintains that the defendants were simply trying to teach their son the value of hard work and perseverance.
“My clients were merely preparing their son for the harsh realities of adult life,” said defense attorney, Barry McSleaze. “If he can’t handle a little cold, how is he going to survive the cutthroat world of corporate America?”
As the case unfolds, the nation watches with bated breath, wondering what this unprecedented legal battle will mean for the future of heated seats and parental rights.
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