PAHRUMP – NV. In a tragic yet oddly predictable turn of events, young Timothy Greensprout, a six-year-old boy from Nevada, was found dead this morning after a prolonged and torturous regimen of mandatory vegetable consumption. The cause of death is still under investigation, but experts suspect a lethal overdose of Brussels sprouts and broccoli.
Timothy’s parents, who were last seen tearfully defending their actions on a morning talk show, maintain that they were only trying to ensure their son grew up healthy and strong. “We thought we were doing the right thing,” sobbed Mrs. Greensprout, clutching a half-eaten kale chip. “We just wanted him to be healthy and avoid the evils of junk food.”
Neighbors describe the Greensprout household as a veritable vegetable prison. “It was horrifying,” said one anonymous source. “I once saw little Timmy being force-fed a quinoa and beet salad while he cried for a single French fry. It was like something out of a horror movie.”
Local authorities have confirmed that Timothy’s diet consisted almost entirely of green, leafy vegetables, with occasional forays into root vegetables and legumes. “This kid hadn’t seen a chicken nugget in years,” said Detective Herb Vinegar, shaking his head. “No chicken fingers, no mac and cheese, not even a gummy vitamin. Just endless plates of fiber-rich misery.”
Health experts have been quick to weigh in on the dangers of extreme vegetable consumption. “While vegetables are an essential part of a balanced diet, moderation is key,” said Dr. Celery Stalk, a nutritionist. “Forcing a child to eat nothing but vegetables can lead to severe psychological trauma, vitamin overdose, and in extreme cases, death by boredom.”
Timothy’s schoolmates have expressed their grief and confusion over his untimely demise. “He always seemed so sad at lunch,” said a teary-eyed classmate. “While we were all enjoying our pizza and cookies, he was gnawing on raw cauliflower. It just wasn’t right.”
In a move that has sparked national outrage, the Greensprouts have announced plans to establish the “Timothy Greensprout Memorial Garden,” where parents can come to learn about the “benefits” of strict vegetable diets. Critics have called the garden a “monument to madness” and “a grim reminder of the perils of parental overreach.”
Social media has erupted with opinions on the matter, with the hashtag #JusticeForTimmy trending worldwide. “This is what happens when you take clean eating too far,” tweeted one concerned citizen. “Let kids be kids! They deserve ice cream and candy too!”
Meanwhile, radical pro-vegetable groups have doubled down on their stance, claiming that Timothy’s death was a “necessary sacrifice” in the fight against childhood obesity. “He died a hero,” said one fervent supporter. “A martyr in the war on junk food.”
As the investigation continues, the community remains divided over the appropriate balance between healthy eating and allowing children to indulge in occasional treats. For now, Timothy’s legacy serves as a cautionary tale about the dangers of dietary extremism and the importance of a well-rounded diet.
In a final, ironic twist, the local coroner has confirmed that Timothy’s last meal was a heaping bowl of spinach, lentils, and despair. His final words, reportedly a plea for just one chocolate chip cookie, will haunt the Greensprouts forever. Funeral arrangements are pending, and the family has requested that in lieu of flowers, mourners send donations of carrot sticks and celery stalks to the memorial garden. Because apparently, they still haven’t learned their lesson.
Veggie Tyranny Kills Six-Year-Old Veggie Tyranny Kills Six-Year-Old
