ORLANDO, FL – In a development that’s sure to send shockwaves through the beverage and gender identity communities alike, a team of researchers at the University of Central Florida (UCF) has unveiled a revolutionary new technology: the “Femme Fizzer,” a line of hard seltzers specifically engineered to induce rapid male-to-female transitions.
“We wanted to create a product that caters to the modern consumer,” Dr. Chad Thundercock, lead researcher on the project, explained during a press conference held poolside at a luxurious Orlando resort. “People are busy, they want results, and frankly, they’re thirsty.” Chad went on to explain “Hard Seltzers were the #1 way to lose your man card anyways, so we just added one ingredient to make your dick fall off”.
The Femme Fizzers come in an array of “delightfully delightful” flavors like “Mimosa Magic” and “Sparkling Sangria Surprise,” each containing a proprietary blend of electrolytes, fruit extracts, and a never-before-seen genetic modification complex the researchers affectionately call “The She-Snap.”
“One sip, and voila!” Dr. Thundercock continued, gesturing towards a visibly flustered lab assistant whose beard appeared to be rapidly shrinking. “Gone are the days of expensive hormone therapy and years of social transition. With Femme Fizzers, it’s as easy as cracking open a can!”
Early trials of the product have yielded mixed results. While some participants reported feeling “fabulous” and experiencing a newfound appreciation for brunch buffets, others complained of uncontrollable emotional swings, a sudden aversion to sports, and an insatiable craving for rom-coms.
“It’s definitely a rollercoaster,” shared Gary “G-Money” Thompson, a burly construction worker who participated in the study. “One minute I’m chugging a ‘Pinktini Punch’ and the next I’m crying over a Hallmark commercial. Not sure if I’m ready to give up my monster truck for a minivan just yet.”
Despite the potential downsides, sales of Femme Fizzers are expected to skyrocket. Marketing executives are already planning a series of commercials featuring toned women frolicking on beaches with captions like “Unleash Your Inner She-bastian!” and “It’s Not Just Hard Seltzer, It’s Hard to Resist Your New Identity!”
Meanwhile, social media is abuzz with debate. Transgender activists have expressed concerns about trivializing the complex process of gender transition, while frat bros are already lining up to try “The Broseph Buster,” a rumored (but unconfirmed) Femme Fizzer variant designed to induce the opposite effect.
One thing’s for certain: the future of gender identity and beverage consumption is about to get a whole lot fizzier.
Femme Fizzer: Seltzer That Changes Genders Femme Fizzer: Seltzer That Changes Genders
