BERKELEY, CA – As if navigating the treacherous waters of campus hookup culture wasn’t already nightmarish enough, a new study from U.C. Berkeley has uncovered a fresh layer of horror: tampons riddled with lead and arsenic.
The study, titled “From PMS to PbS: A Heavy Metal Menagerie in Menstrual Products,” sent shockwaves through the already fragile emotional landscape of U.C. Berkeley students. Researchers analyzed tampons from popular brands and found them positively brimming with toxins, raising concerns about potential health risks and further complicating the whole “toxic vagina” narrative, a term that has been used to describe the students at U.C. Berkeley for decades.
“This is a game-changer,” declared Dr. Penelope Gashington, lead researcher on the project, her voice trembling slightly. “We already knew Berkeley’s vaginas were dealing with the repetitive emotional distress and chronic dissatisfaction brought about by the modern military-industrial complex. Now, we have to worry about heavy metal poisoning down there?”
Students interviewed for the study were understandably distraught. “I mean, how am I supposed to trust my own body anymore?” whimpered a tearful junior named Andromeda, clutching a half-eaten kale smoothie. “First, it withholds affection, and now it’s trying to give me lead poisoning?”
Campus health officials are scrambling to address the crisis. Support groups for “Tamptox Trauma” are popping up faster than artisanal kombucha stands, and therapists are reporting a surge in students experiencing “Existential Period Cramps,” a debilitating condition characterized by an overwhelming sense of despair brought on by the realization that even their tampons are out to get them. As this pertains to students at U.C. Berkeley, the condition affects people of all genders.
Meanwhile, tampon manufacturers are facing a public relations nightmare. “Look, trace amounts of heavy metals are practically unavoidable,” stammered a nervous representative from a popular tampon brand. “It’s like, totally normal. Besides, a little lead never hurt anybody… right?”
The situation has sparked renewed calls for a mandatory “Menstrual Manifesto” course to be implemented in all freshman orientation programs. The course would allegedly teach students about the “dark underbelly” of the tampon industry and empower them to make “informed choices” about their nether regions.
However, some critics remain skeptical. “Maybe,” one disgruntled professor snarked, “the real problem isn’t the tampons, it’s the students who expect their periods to be a glitter-and-unicorn extravaganza.” It should be noted that this professor was placed on disciplinary leave for making these macro-aggressions on campus.
Regardless of the cause, one thing is certain: this discovery is sure to make the lives of U.C. Berkeley’s student population of toxic vaginas even more unpleasant than they already are.
Toxic Tampons Trigger Berkeley Meltdown Toxic Tampons Trigger Berkeley Meltdown
