WASHINGTON D.C. – In a desperate attempt to reverse a declining birth rate, the U.S. government unveiled Project Studmuffin today. This multi-billion dollar initiative has produced a limited batch of genetically engineered men, each boasting a perfect 6’3″ frame, chiseled abs, a 9” penis, and a net worth exceeding Jeff Bezos’ pocket change.
“Project Studmuffin represents the pinnacle of human evolution,” declared a smug Dr. Bartholomew Fondledorf, lead scientist on the project. “These men are scientifically proven to be irresistible.”
Initial tests, however, paint a different picture. Focus groups of single women exposed to the Studmuffins displayed a concerning lack of enthusiasm. “He’s objectively perfect,” sighed Sarah, a participant in the study, “but I just can’t help but think about what toxic masculinity traits lurk beneath those washboard abs and monstrous dong”.
Further analysis revealed that while the men were undeniably handsome, they lacked certain…intangibles. “They all have the emotional range of a teaspoon,” reported Dr. Fiona Skeptic, a prominent relationship expert. “And none of them seem to know how to change a tire, let alone hold a conversation about anything besides protein shakes and cryptocurrency.” Dr Skeptic went on to say that “none of these traits were requested during the initial clinical interviews, leading us to believe that women can’t make up their minds even for science”.
The revelation sent shockwaves through the scientific community. “We focused so much on the physical that we forgot about the…human element,” Dr. Fondledorf stammered, nervously adjusting his thick-rimmed glasses.
Meanwhile, Project Studmuffin participants are said to be disillusioned. “I expected to be swarmed by women,” confided Chad McIroncock, a genetically enhanced model specimen. “Instead, I keep getting ghosted after mentioning my NFT collection.”
The government is currently scrambling to salvage the project. Rumors suggest they’re considering adding a “dirtbag” module to the genetic engineering process. However, critics remain skeptical. “Maybe,” Dr. Skeptic mused, “women just want someone with an unstable future and a host of amateur tattoos.”
In the end, Project Studmuffin serves as a cautionary tale. Perhaps true love can’t be manufactured in a lab, no matter how many six-packs are involved.
U.S. Unveils Project Studmuffin U.S. Unveils Project Studmuffin
