NEW YORK, NY – In a move that would make Freud spin in his grave (faster than usual), students at Columbia University have crowned none other than notorious serial killer Ted Bundy the “Sexiest Man in History.” Apparently, brooding charm and a complete disregard for personal boundaries are the new erogenous zones on campus.
“He may have lacked a moral compass,” conceded history major Tiffany Fairchild, gazing dreamily at a grainy photo of Bundy, “but have you seen those cheekbones? Plus, the whole ‘murderous mystery’ thing is a total turn-on.”
The decision, reached through a hotly contested online poll (because apparently, student loans don’t cover therapy anymore), has left the academic community reeling. Professors are scrambling to rewrite their syllabi, replacing Dostoevsky with case studies of charismatic sociopaths.
“We’re encouraging a more nuanced discussion of masculinity,” stammered Dr. Harold Peters, a literature professor visibly struggling to keep his breakfast down. “Apparently, ‘nuanced’ now includes a healthy dose of homicidal rage.”
Meanwhile, the student body remains unfazed. Bundy merchandise – think “Single White Ted” t-shirts and “Conversations with a Killer” scented candles – is flying off the shelves of the campus bookstore. Fraternity houses are reportedly planning “Ted Bundy Themed” mixers, complete with fake handcuffs and questionable mustache contests.
“Look, everyone has a type,” shrugged philosophy major Chad Brogan, nonchalantly sporting a “Bundy Did Nothing Wrong” trucker hat. “Besides, at least he wasn’t boring.”
The implications for future generations are chilling (pun intended). Are we entering an era where Jeffrey Dahmer becomes a rom-com heartthrob and Jack the Ripper the ultimate bad boy? Only time will tell.
But one thing’s for sure: Columbia University’s dating scene just got a whole lot more disturbing. Just remember, ladies, if your date suggests a “walk in the park,” politely decline. Unless, of course, you’re into that sort of thing. In which case, seek professional help.
Columbia’s Finest Choose Bundy, Columbia’s Finest Choose Bundy
