BERKELEY, CA – In a scene dripping with irony thicker than artisanal avocado toast, a gaggle of self-described leftists gathered last night for a fundraising gala aptly titled “Abolish Capitalism: A Benefit for Income Equality.” Guests, sporting worn-in Che Guevara t-shirts beneath Patagonia vests, sipped $12 fair-trade kombucha from mason jars while debating the evils of… well, money.
“The very concept of currency is a tool of the bourgeoisie,” declared trust-fund baby Tiffany (23), clutching a vintage Hermes purse. “We need a system where everyone contributes based on their needs, not some arbitrary number on a piece of paper!”
Tiffany’s impassioned speech was interrupted by a heated debate over the ethics of locally-sourced caviar.
“Look, I understand the exploitation inherent in traditional caviar production,” chimed in artisanal cheesemaker Bartholomew (37), adjusting his $800 tortoiseshell glasses. “But this stuff is cage-free sturgeon, raised on a diet of organic seaweed and classical music.”
The evening’s highlight was a silent auction featuring handcrafted tote bags with socialist slogans – starting bid: $250. All proceeds, the organizers assured, would go towards “funding the revolution… ethically, of course.”
Later, as guests piled into their Teslas to head home to their multi-million dollar estates, a lone voice piped up: “Hey, shouldn’t we be discussing, you know, actual ways to achieve economic equality?”
A beat of silence. Then, someone scoffed, “Ugh, can we not talk about work right now? It’s literally ruining the vibes.”
The champagne corks continued to pop, a fitting soundtrack to a night where fighting the system meant complaining about it while dripping in privilege.
Leftists flaunt wealth at anti-capitalist gala Leftists flaunt wealth at anti-capitalist gala
A beat of silence. Then, someone scoffed, “Ugh, can we not talk about work right now? It’s literally ruining the vibes.”
The champagne corks continued to pop, a fitting soundtrack to a night where fighting the system meant complaining about it while dripping in privilege
