Saipan, Northern Mariana Islands (POTD) – In a move that would make Machiavelli himself raise an eyebrow, the US government has struck a bizarre plea deal with Julian Assange. Assange, the eccentric founder of WikiLeaks, will be released from prison on the condition he wear a bright orange jumpsuit emblazoned with the target symbol and walk very, very slowly through a minefield.
“This is a win-win for everyone,” chirped a suspiciously chipper State Department spokesperson. “Mr. Assange gets to enjoy the fresh air for the first time in years, and we get a much clearer shot.”
The spokesperson, who requested anonymity so they could maintain a shred of plausible deniability, went on to explain the logistical challenges of assassinating someone holed up in a high-security embassy. “Drones kept getting tangled in the ambassador’s badminton net, and frankly, we thought he would die from eating British food anyhow.”
Assange, ever the showman, has reportedly embraced his new role with gusto. “I’m calling it ‘Operation Transparent Assassination,’” he declared from his prison cell, via a collect call that mysteriously bypassed all security protocols. “The world will witness the full, unredacted truth about American foreign policy… from a very safe distance, of course.”
Experts are divided on the efficacy of this new approach. “On the one hand, it’s certainly eye-catching,” conceded Dr. Mildred Overanalysis, a political science professor at Not-So-Ivy League University. “But on the other hand, have you seen how slow Julian Assange walks? This could take all afternoon.”
Regardless of the outcome, one thing is certain: this plea deal is sure to spark a lively debate about the ethics of state-sponsored assassination attempts conducted via leisurely strolls through minefields. Just remember, folks, popcorn is not included in your First Amendment right to free speech.
Freedom Farce: Assange’s “Release” a US Hit Job? Freedom Farce: Assange’s “Release” a US Hit Job?
