NEW YORK, N.Y. – In a shocking turn of events, the National Institutes of Health (NIH) announced today that after years of tireless research, they’ve finally pinpointed the origin of Covid-19. Forget bats in Wuhan labs, folks – the culprit appears to be a particularly ripe pair of granny panties belonging to none other than Whoopi Goldberg.
“Our initial skepticism quickly vanished upon microscopic examination of the garment,” confessed Dr. Patricia Buffoon, lead researcher on the project. “The sheer density of viral particles clinging to those fibers was, frankly, awe-inspiring. It’s like Whoopi wrestled a quart of buttermilk in a Florida swamp.”
Buffoon went on to explain that Whoopi, a self-proclaimed “entertainer,” had a habit of leaving her workout clothes marinating in her gym locker for days on end. “Apparently, she believed this somehow enhanced their ‘performance wicking’ abilities,” Buffoon chuckled. “Turns out, the only performance being enhanced was that of a highly contagious virus.”
The news has sent shockwaves through the scientific community. “This changes everything!” exclaimed Dr. Bartholomew Dunce of John Hopkins University. “For years, we’ve been chasing shadows in bat caves. All the while, the real bioweapon was lurking in Whoopi’s forgotten laundry basket.”
Meanwhile, Whoopi, upon learning of her newfound infamy, remains characteristically nonchalant. “Yeah, those shorts were pretty ripe,” she admitted sheepishly. “But hey, at least I finally became famous for something, right?”
The NIH is urging the public to remain vigilant and wash their underwear regularly. “And maybe invest in something more breathable,” Dr. Buffoon added pointedly. “For the sake of global health, if nothing else.”
In a related story, inquiries into the whereabouts of Whoopi’s laundry basket are ongoing. Experts warn it may pose a biological threat of epic proportions.
NIH Finally Determines Source Of Covid-19: Turns Out It Was Just Whoopi Goldberg’s Undies All Along,
NIH Finally Determines Source Of Covid-19: Turns Out It Was Just Whoopi Goldberg’s Undies All Along,
