Orem, UT – residents were treated to a scene more reminiscent of a Black Friday sale gone wrong than a soda shop opening yesterday. The unnamed establishment, strategically nestled between a one-way street and a pothole-riddled alley (allegedly chosen for its “rustic charm”), caused a traffic meltdown that required the National Guard to be deployed for crowd control.
“Sugar coma central,” remarked Sheila “Sharp-Eyed” Berkowitz, a resident who witnessed the chaos unfold from her porch. “Never seen so many fidget spinners and flip flops in one place. Looked like a swarm of hyperactive ants with empty wallets.”
Harold “Grumpy” Gunderson, a local mailman known for his aversion to anything disrupting his meticulously planned route, chimed in, “Took me an hour to deliver three packages! Next time, they’re getting a certified letter instead of a free root beer float.”
The mastermind behind the sugary mayhem, shop owner Bartholomew “Fizz” Fizpatrick, defended his controversial location choice. “Look, rent in Orem is sky-high! This spot practically fell into my lap. Besides, a little inconvenience builds character. Plus, free sugar high! What’s not to love?”
Bartholomew’s optimism, however, did little to appease frustrated drivers stuck in the molasses-slow traffic. One irate motorist, who wished to remain anonymous (likely to avoid a public meltdown of their own), commented, “Free soda? More like free frustration! I could’ve brewed a vat of sun tea in the time it took me to move five feet.”
Despite the logistical nightmare, some saw a silver lining. “Hey, at least the kids finally got some exercise running around like sugared-up squirrels,” offered Martha “Sunshine” Peterson, a local dog walker who managed to navigate the chaos relatively unscathed (thanks to her pack of enthusiastic canine companions).
The National Guard, ever the professionals, maintained order with practiced efficiency. “It’s not exactly Fallujah,” remarked Sergeant Willy “Pete” Davis, “but it’s good training for crowd control.”
As for Bartholomew’s free soda offer? The jury’s still out on whether it was a marketing masterstroke or a sugary social experiment gone wrong. One thing’s for sure: Orem residents won’t soon forget the day a free soda turned their quiet neighborhood into a fizzy frenzy.
Fizzy Frenzy
